Disclaimer: I am in no way claiming to know everything about having a successful marriage after one year.
And here we are, one year of marriage later. We've found ourselves reflecting on this past year about favorite places that we've gone, things that we've done, parts of marriage that have been sweet. Then I have also thought of the parts that have been, frankly, really hard. When I look at the girl in that picture, I think "she has no idea what she's actually getting herself into."
To Leave is to Cleave
There's a verse in Genesis that says “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, KJV). Cleave is actually a really interesting word when you dig into it, because it has two definitions that mean the exact opposite of each other.
Cleave: to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly
Cleave: to divide by or as if by a cutting blow
Marriage requires both forms of the verb: first to cleave from mother and father (divide), and then to cleave to your spouse (adhere). For me, this was the start of a few really hard months. Cleaving, in the sense of leaving, was uncomfortable in a year in which there was already a lot going on. All within five months, I had started my first year of teaching, gotten engaged, planned a wedding, and gotten married. Then I moved, which at this point I had been living with my parents. To summarize, I was in the first year of a demanding job, moved to a new city, lived with a boy for the first time (minus living with my brothers), and being newly married. It was hard, to say in the least. Coming into his space, navigating this new part of our relationship, and realizing what it really meant to cleave.
Lesson Learned: It's Okay to Not Have it All Together
Amidst all of the newness of being married, I was facing another struggle: feeling like something was wrong with me. All people ask after getting married are phrases along the lines of "how is marriage?!" What people wanted to hear, and this is me projecting, is "Really wonderful! We're the happiest we've ever been!" or something along those lines. Honestly, that's not what I felt. Being married is HARD. Everything is new, and demands attention/communication to be figured out. Who's expected to make dinner? Clean dishes? Laundry? Take the trash out? I felt like I was the odd one out, because all I wanted to say was "It's really hard. We love each other, and we're glad we're in it together, but I'm struggling."
This also felt like it was happening at a time where a lot of people I knew were getting married or were newly married, and I felt like I didn't fit into their mold. They all looked so happy and content, and I looked at them wondering "what is wrong with me?" (side note: most couples don't share their struggles via social media, so I was only seeing the sweet parts.)
There were two moments that happened that made me feel like I wasn't an island. A family member had told me that the first six months of marriage were the hardest, and joked that sometimes she felt the only reason she made it through those months were because "they were married," and that's what held it together. Another friend told me that I was not alone, and that they had also had a really tough first few months. (I'm keeping these stories very vague, because those are not mine to share.)
Here's my point, I suppose. If you are feeling like you need to have it all together, and you're not doing marriage "right" because you got in an argument with your spouse about who's cooking dinner, then you are not alone. I think it's important to be candid with newlywed couples. It's such an exciting time of life, but it was also a really challenging transition for me.
One Year Later
As I sit here, thinking on this year, I think about how fast it went. We were joking that if we're not careful, we might blink and ten years will have gone by (cue Kenny Chesney). My goal for year 2 is to slow down, and enjoy the small moments together. For me, marriage got a lot better when I figured out that no one around me was expecting perfection.
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